The buzz of the walimah has faded out and the tears have dried up. What next awaits the spouses is understood by both to be an exciting but delicate and, at times, tumultuous journey of welcoming a new person into all aspects of their life. Although this is a task that won’t be easy, it is one, nonetheless, recognised by all as being a large part of marriage. Both spouses anticipate the embarkment of remoulding their lives from what was once a predominately solo endeavour into a duo voyage.
However, what is often cast backstage and forgotten about as the excitement and joy of a newly declared marriage takes centre stage, is the challenge of also having to accommodate a whole new family, a new set of aunts, uncles, another mother and father etc. The magnitude of this adjustment often strikes the spouses off balance as often it’s an adjustment unprepared for and its extent, underestimated.
Matrimony is not only the embrace of your new loved one but also that of their family which, when you think about it, is hardly surprising, we’ve spent the majority of our lives from the moment of birth with our families, and for many of us, to the extent that we’ve become figuratively conjoined to them. So it’s only to be expected that when you marry a brother/sister they won’t be in a solo state but rather already fastened to a group of people, they’re a branch attached to a family tree that you’re now a part of.
This blog works to dissect the most common issues that a brother or sister may face with their in-laws and works through practical steps to prevent or soften any conflicts to ensure harmonious matrimony.
Different Expectations
Whether it’s from the first marriage meeting, the last or even post-walimah, differences in expectations between you and your in-laws eventually become apparent. These differences could surround expectations concerning where the wife is to live, how large a part the in-laws play in the spouses’ personal lives, the distribution of the husband’s wealth between his household and his parents etc etc. The list goes on and surely we’ve heard them all, so the real question is, how to go about them?
Utilise the first marriage meeting
The initial marriage meeting, beyond the awkward attempts at eye contact and conversation, is a space to clarify any expectations you have regarding married life that may directly impact your potential in-laws. such as do you expect to move in within-laws or have your own place, how big or small would you like the walimah (big? Not in this economy) and how much are you willing to spend etc. By the potential spouses making their vision of married life crystal clear to each other it makes it obvious what clashes are to arise with the in-laws, if any at all, and thus, if the brother/sister is willing to compromise and proceed or if they’d like to exercise their personal right to discontinue the marriage process.
Whatever happens, the brother and sister opening up a civil dialogue about their expectations that may impact the other’s family ensures that they enter a marriage knowing what they may or may not need to compromise in regards to their future in-laws.
Cultural Differences
When it comes to an interracial marriage cultural differences are inevitable and can, if anything, adorn the relationship, however, some cultural differences can become a cause for concern if they’re the trigger for conflict between spouse and in-laws. For instance, it is the norm in South Asian cultures for the wife to live with the in-laws whereas in Arab culture this is not nearly as common.
Inquire and research
There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy discussion pertaining to cultural differences that would affect your relationship with the spouse’s family. If anything, this is encouraged to prepare the brother/sister for what they can expect should they decide to proceed. Similarly, researching the culture that you’re marrying into can also help educate you on what your in-laws are likely to value and expect from you. But of course, make sure to fact-check what you research with your potential spouse as not every family follows cultural norms as strictly as others.
Post Nikah
All of the solutions to conflicts between spouses and in-laws discussed in this blog thus far have surrounded what to do before the nikah, but what about cases where the marriage has already taken place?
Communication is key
Although your in-laws may not be your family genetically speaking, maintaining good relations with them are still in your best interests. After all they are a people very close and dear to your spouse thus, care and caution should be taken in how conflicts you have with them are handled.
The softest approach would be to initiate a civil conversation with your spouse about any problems you may be experiencing with your in-laws that can be sensibly dealt with. Your partner could then discuss said issues with his/her family to try and reach middle ground in a way that doesn’t trample on anyone’s Islamic rights and maintains a high standard of manners.
Sometimes the issue may be bigger than both you and your spouse and thus a wise person may need to step in to mediate between you and your in-laws.
However, no matter what the problem is or how big it is, one thing must always be remembered
"The best amongst you are those who have the best manners and character.” (Bukhari)
Take off the boxing gloves and get out of the ring. In other words, it's important that the dialogue remains civil and God-conscience with no harsh words being thrown at the other. The conversation must be focused on securing a solution not a victory; a solution that guarantees optimal harmony between you, partner and in-laws.