If there’s one thing that all of humanity can agree on, it’s the complexity and fragility of marriage. A matrimony between two people is a lifelong commitment that is guaranteed to be no walk in the park. Marriage is no doubt a glorious endeavour, granting both spouses love and companionship. However, if mishandled and abused, matrimony can quickly down-spiral into tension, conflict, and eventually complete destruction.
Read on to find easy-to-follow tips on how to prevent the unravelling of your marriage, before and during.
Stop Viewing Marriage As Your Quick Fix
This happens all too often. For instance, a sister may be unhappy at her parents’ house and thus hastens to get married just to move out. Or a brother may recognise an array of severe flaws in himself, leading him to rush into marriage under the impression that his wife can solve these flaws.
We mustn’t view marriage as something that it’s not. It’s a journey and a commitment to one another, and sure, it can be a “fix” for many issues such as loneliness or lust. But those issues that are so deeply personal and burdensome must be addressed before nikah. Matrimony has a weight limit, and continuously offloading years of personal baggage onto your marriage will lead to its eventual breakage.
There are many steps one can take to solve any character dilemmas that must be weeded out before marriage. Examples of such dilemmas are frequent anger, lack of religious commitment, depression, excessive anxiety, etc. Some of these issues can be tackled via avenues of self-help such as watching educational videos on the matter or enforcing discipline in our everyday schedules. However, some of the problems mentioned may require professional intervention. Whatever route you take to finding a solution, just ensure that the problems have been addressed and worked on — you owe that to your future spouse.
Hold Firm To Your Islamic Standards
Marriage meetings can trigger a whirlwind of emotions, especially if the potential spouse is attractive and alluring both in physicality and personality. But sometimes there may be something in this potential that is clearly off in their practice — e.g., they engage in free mixing, partake in innovation, or watch TV/movies. However, we’ve become so attracted to them and hooked on their character (not to mention that after so many failed marriage meetings we’ve also become pretty impatient) that we rush into a nikah with them. A marriage without Islamic foundations will, in due course, crumble and fall apart.
Therefore, make a firm intention with yourself never to compromise on what really matters. Which is? Everything and anything to do with Islamic obligatory practice. If they can’t abide by even the basic prohibitions that Allah has set out, then what value do you think your marriage will have with them?
Ignoring The Sunnah
Confused about what we should look for in a spouse? Well, the Sunnah has outlined clear guidelines for what we should be seeking in a potential. Although they’re very basic, they’re so often overlooked and cast off to the side, leading to many brothers and sisters entering into marriage with the wrong person.
What to look for in a sister: “Seek the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Bukhari)
What to look for in a brother: “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, marry her off to him.” (At-Tirmidhi)
Also, observe their behaviour in the marriage meetings and take mental note:
If the meeting is outside, how are the brother and sister towards service workers such as waiters, cleaners, etc.?
How patient are either the brother or sister with the wali when a generational gap becomes apparent — for instance, him struggling with his phone or with simple English sentences?
Know And Be Ready For Your Obligations
The common piece of advice is “know your rights,” and I’m sure we’ve all heard it before — but what about your obligations? The easy part is knowing what we’re owed; the hard part is what we owe. So, are we ready? Entering a marriage without being fully prepared to give your spouse what they are due will lead to the other feeling unappreciated and unloved, especially if they’re fulfilling their own obligations. This imbalance can be fatal to the marriage, risking its eventual end.