Finding a righteous spouse today can sometimes feel like trying to locate a treasure trove in the wild. Anyone who has taken on the search for a wife/husband can attest to the fact that it’s often a long line of disappointing marriage meetings, eyebrow raising personalities and some modern Islamic beliefs that leave you scratching your head.
Many of us commence the searching process believing that it’ll be a perfectly linear path and it’s only once we step onto said path when we realise that it’s actually one with several twists, sharp turns and obstacles dotted throughout. Undoubtedly, such a journey is bound to bring about exhaustion and frustration if we don’t call for assistance, so why do so many of us not call for assistance?
By assistance, we don’t mean parents or the communal aunty with 100s of connections. We mean the only One powerful enough to guide us through what can sometimes feel like an endless series of dead ends, the only One insightful enough to sift through millions to find us our spouse, and the only One great enough to keep us hopeful even when meetings hit a brick wall time and time again, Allah.
Read on as we work to emphasise that a journey to finding ‘the one’ must start with a journey to Allah.
Provision Through Piety
Firstly, all Rizq comes from Allah, Ar-Razaq, and a righteous spouse, along with a happy marriage, is from the greatest forms of Rizq. If we wish to secure this provision from Allah it’s vital that we begin to purify ourselves by eliminating sins from our lives. At the end of the day, we can’t expect Rizq through disobedience. Beginning to adorn our daily regimes with piety can feel overwhelming for many who don’t already have an islamic routine instilled, but there’s no need to worry as you can start off small.
Begin with dedicating some minutes a day to performing acts of Sunnah, like reading a couple pages of the Quran daily, athkar, attending/watching an Islamic lecture etc. Work on increasing the pace each day whilst also making an active effort to discontinue sins. And little by little, Islam will become central to your everyday, and thus, so will Allah.
This is assuming that the 5 daily prayers and all other obligations are already observed; if not, then this would be your first and foremost objective before anything else.
Search For A Spouse Through Halal Not Haram
There are several avenues one can take in securing a partner, many of these avenues can be halal whilst many can be haram, so it’s pertinent to your chances of success that you know the difference. Many common impermissible means of finding a wife/husband often involve free mixing i.e directly mingling and being friendly with the brother/sister whether at work or as friends, searching for a spouse via muslim marriage apps that don’t abide by Islam etc etc.
How can we expect Allah to enshroud our search for a spouse with ease and blessings when our search is tainted with haram. If we expect our Creator’s help then we must trust that His way, i.e the Halal way, is the best way. Begin to educate yourself on what Islam permits and prohibits when it comes to looking for a wife/husband and refer to a person of knowledge for any tricky matters that may need a specific ruling such as the absence of a wali.
“Sabrun Jameel- Beautiful Patience” Quran (12:18)
By the will of Allah, your journey to finding ‘the one’ may take a few months, a year or even several years. Thus we must understand that this is a process that will require a great amount of patience. So how can we make sure to remain steadfast in this trial of sabr?
1. Remembering the great reward that could be due to you if you maintain trust and hope in Allah even when things never seem to go your way.
"On the Day of Judgement, when the people who were tried (in this world) are given their rewards, the people who were pardoned (in life) [people who weren’t tested], will wish that their skins had been cut off with scissors while they were in the world [when they see what the people who were tested are rewarded with].” (At-Tirmidhi)
2. Make du’a to Allah at the times when du’a is answered. This can be: during sujood in prayer, the last 1/3 of the night, when it’s raining, time between Adhan and Iqama etc.
3. Understanding how Allah answers duas. Many of us make the mistake in thinking that if Allah doesn’t respond to us immediately, or very soon after our supplication, that He’s rejected it. This isn’t always the case. A delay in response may also be because:
- Allah wishes to deflect harm from you
- Allah will save it for it be gifted to you in the akhira instead
- Allah wishes to grant you something better
In essence, it may be the case that we meet with 10s of suitors and each time have to go through the disappointment of it not working out again and again. However, despite all the repeated declines, either from you or them, it’s important that we maintain high expectations of Allah and don’t lose hope.
You never know why it didn’t work out. Perhaps Allah was protecting you from harm or has something way better in store for you. Everything is being handled by The Most Powerful, all you need to do is keep your heart hopeful, continue doing pious actions and remain steadfast in faith and certainty that no matter what happens, Allah has it all taken care of.