Once we decide that marriage is something we’d seriously like to start thinking about, we begin to dedicate time watching videos, creating lists of questions, and speaking with others who have marital experience to try and gauge the best ways to verify the quality and character of a potential spouse. We often get so tied up in preparing for the vetting process of a brother/sister that we abandon a very important question. Sure, “would you marry someone like them?” but “would you marry someone like you?”
Before we begin to assess the character of someone else, we must first work on building such desired qualities in ourselves, as at the end of the day we can only expect from others what we’re willing to give.
Self-Assessing / Turning The Tables
Surely we all have a set of questions ready for our next marriage meeting or a list lying around from a past one (and if you don’t, make one! It’s a great way to prepare). Turn the tables: ask these questions to yourself, and think about the answers you give. Would you be happy hearing them from somebody else?
Some blunt questions you can ask yourself are: How do you use your free time? What are you currently doing to boost your Islamic knowledge? How much time a day do you make for the Quran? What efforts of self-improvement have you undertaken to prepare for marriage? How do you deal with anger? etc.
Pinpointing Our Flaws
Perfection exists within Allah, and Allah alone. Thus, everyone — no matter how knowledgeable, soft-spoken, patient, etc. — is in need of self-improvement. We can begin to find our weak points by asking others close to us. This has the same benefit as asking someone else to proofread your essay for mistakes: fresh eyes. We’ve become so comfortable and used to ourselves and our ways that we often become blind to them. Thus, asking someone close to us to pinpoint our character flaws is a great idea, as it offers us a fresh pair of eyes as well as retrospect.
Some questions you could ask them to gauge a thing or two regarding what you need to work on are: When was the last time I hurt you and what did I do? Am I comfortable to be around — why? How do I handle difficult conversations? etc.
Kickstarting Self-Improvement
Even though getting as close to perfection as possible is our ultimate goal, this is a lifelong process and won’t be achieved within a couple of months of self-reflection and discipline. Understand this and take it one step at a time. Figure out what you can start working on immediately to build yourself up to be a better future husband/wife — such as how much Quran you read a day, whether you pray your 5 prayers, and if so, whether you pray your sunnan, how much effort you put in with your parents, or towards household maintenance, etc.
Adopt Strong Role Models
When it comes to great people to look up to, Alhamdulillah, Islam doesn’t fall short. We are provided with a plethora of noble figures to admire and embody in our everyday lives. Begin to learn about the patience, character, and devotion of the prophets and sahaba. At the end of the day, what better way to start polishing our character than to actively personify the best people to have ever lived?